Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
