when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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