god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.