Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm passing your future prison.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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