Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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