So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
