Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
