tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
