I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
