ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
