Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just found a bag of teeth...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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