He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
