That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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