why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
