I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
