did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just google imaged poop.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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