i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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