i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
