My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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