Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
