I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
