No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
