I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
