We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
