It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
