you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
