I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
