Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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