how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
