Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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