i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Your cock deserves a montage
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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