apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
