Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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