walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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