watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
