i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
