she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
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so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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