Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
