Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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