After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
