This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
