I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
