i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
