Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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