i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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