It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
