pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
