he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
