ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
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Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.