We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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