I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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