You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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