She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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