so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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