I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
