Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
